Wanted: Aspiring Janitor for Senior Switch Day

Life is funny.

One day, you're the loveable Janitor Dan, friend to the assistant principals, confidant to the students, and insatiable lover to Home Ec teacher Ms. Miller.

The next day, you're the lonely, miserable, old coot who can't score a student to learn your profession on Senior Switch Day.

Honestly, kids, what the fuck?

I used to be cool. I used to crack wise with the seniors, give noogies to the freshman, and attend the PTA meetings - just to show I cared. But now, it's like I'm a joke to the students. Just three days ago some kid threw a tuna sandwich at my head.

I can't believe that some senior wanted to spend the day with that transgender PE teacher and not me.

Please, all I'm asking is for one senior to step up to the plate and be my shadow for a day. Doesn't anyone want to learn how to clean up vomit in the cafetoriam, or how to rifle through the principal's trash when he leaves in the evening? I can take you to worlds unknown!

I'll take a jock, cheerleader, nerd, beef drape, or even an ESOL student. Throw me a bone!

Janitor Dan to Co-worker: "Please Take a Bath."

I realize that this forum was set up as an outlet for the CBBHS Custodial Staff to vent frustrations about the faculty and students. And don't get me wrong, I think of all the other Janitors like family members. That said, please forgive me while I call out Janitor Derek on something that has been bothering me for quite some time.

Dude, you smell like pubes.

Seriously, I caught a whiff of you a couple weeks ago in the break room and I thought it was that Pakistani teacher again. Unfortunately, it was you.

I tried to give you a not-so-subtle hint by placing that Right Guard in your locker. It's quite apparent you didn't get it.

When I brushed past you at the time clock the next day I tried to hold my breath, but the stench was overwhelming. My eyes were watering as the rancid aroma of burnt pubes and earwax inundated my senses. At first I thought you and that hairy Spanish teacher had hooked up again, but then I remembered he doesn't work here anymore.

Anyway, for the sake of your coworkers, the students, and any human, animal, or plant life you come across, please wash your ass.

You might look into using gasoline. If that doesn't work, consider suicide as an option.

Guidance Counselor Takes Massive Dump

It doesn't take a psychic to know that Mrs. Clawson is the bitch that clogged up the faculty bathroom. I'd just cleaned that fucker ten minutes ago when she ran out with shit water on her feet and told me there was a problem. Seems to me the problem is between her taint and her lower back. That little hole in her butt dropped out more shit than I'd seen in five years of cleaning bathrooms at CBBHS.

After she cleaned off her shoes, I asked her to come back in and show me what happened. When she came in, I swept her leg and she landed face first in her own feces. When she came to, she apologized for making the mess and said she'd learned her lesson. We had a good laugh, made passionate love, and I took some pictures for the yearbook.

In Memoriam: Dr. John Lee Custodian

Initially, he was labeled a maverick. Ultimately, he was a pioneer.

Today, Central Boynton Beach High School mourns the loss of the man who invented the profession of Janitor, Dr. John Lee Custodian. The man who gave us such groundbreaking inventions as the Mop Squeegee and the Retractable Belt Key Ring, died peacefully in his sleep Wednesday night.

Custodian came to CBBHS in the early 30s. A wide-eyed graduate from MIT, he was hired to teach Freshman Quantum Physics and Chaos Theory. On only his third day, Custodian slipped on a wet floor in the bathroom and was rendered unconscious. When he awoke, he had a vision: the Mop Ringer.

Convinced of his genius, the administration relieved him of his teaching duties and allowed him to work on his special projects. He eventually hired a staff, and instilled in his Custodial Fraternity his passions for cleanliness and innovation.

Despite his brilliance, Custodian also flashed the madness that is inherent in noted geniuses. In 1958, he killed three students who initiated a food fight.

Custodian is survived by his wife and three children.

I GOT FECAL UNDER MY CUTICLES

Shi... I got dookie all up under my nails. I used my old lady's toothbrush to scrub out some teenie boppers butt dump... i think my old lady's takin' a taster's choice test on the principal's prong... bitch.

Cafeteria Bitch Won't Hook Me Up

I thought it was called "Professional Courtesy." However, the stupid cafeteria bitch was apparently on a different wavelength because when I asked for another piece of pizza today she wanted to charge me full price. I wanted to compromise and pay nothing. She called over the assistant principal. I stabbed them both and ran. (I also grabbed the slice of pizza.) If you need me, I'll be in the mop closet for a few days.

CBBHS "Sweeps" Janitor Olympics

Hello fellow CBBHS Janitors, Faculty, and Students,

It's with great pride that I write to inform you of the ass whooping your Central Boynton Beach High School Janitorial Staff put on the District 6A High Schools this past weekend in the 37th Annual Janitor Olympics!

The team of Janitors Steve and Erik "mopped up" the competition in the Urinal Cake Change, Janitor Jim took home gold in the Trash Bag Collection, the Recycling Relay Team of Janitors Joey, Phil, Clint, and Derek took their opponents to the cleaners, and Janitor Dan sealed the complete sweep with a win in the Kitty Litter Vomit Cleanup.

"When Steve dropped that first urinal cake on the floor and it broke in half, I didn't think we were going to make it. You'd think they'd be easy to grasp, but when those fuckers get piss all over them, they're hard to hold. And I almost missed that cigarette in the urinal, which would have cost us some precious seconds, but luckily I caught it out of the corner of my eye," said Janitor Erik.

Be sure to watch Tuesday morning's announcements for highlights of the Olympics!

Greetings, punks...

Finally, the Janitors of Central Boynton Beach High School will have a forum. No longer will those punk shits get to torment us without fear of repercussions!

On a lighter note, I was hiding in the girl's bathroom today and saw sophomore hottie Jeanne LaBaptiste squating! Good times....