Dean indicted in Anal Leak

The School Board has indicted the Dean of Student Relations over an apparent Anal Leak that has proved damaging to Jane Pipes. Miss Pipes has been a secret Janitor for years in the school cleaning up immediate vomits and fecal matter in places that are highly sensitive areas such as the cafateria and girls bathroom. Under her cover she was able to enter these areas without mockering and damage to her person. The Dean of Student Relations Mrs. Fairfats was angered at Miss Pipes former lover Janitor James who refused to work the school play. His claim, "that those fucking nerds do not present a danger to the theater since it's their beacon of hope not to get atomic wedges and do not need a janitor to waste his Saturdays off instead of the normal evening of hookers, alchohol, midgets and llamas." To get revenge on this refusal Mrs Fairfats covered sprayed anal juice all over the stage and under the seats to make sure that Janitor James would spend all weekend cleaning and have to spend every weekend of the school year in the theather watching what he calls, "the toothpick virgins sing and dance with the fairies". The real damage is now that Miss Pipes is loaded with ridiculed and has been constantly bombarded with food. She even had to go to the eye docter to removed some bear jism that was sprayed in her eye.

Janitors call closed Shit

In a shocking rebuttal to the faculty, leader of the Janitors called for a closed shit. Janitor Dan knocked over his mop buckets loudly waving his finger, "We have been calling for a year a half for stage two of the investigation onto where that SMDs (Shit of Mass Destruction) came from. The Faculty has sat back and put up a major fart screen and our fellow Janitors are the casualities in this attack. The students have a right to know why their toilets are covered in crap and the odor so bad one can do nothing but throw up. Does this affect the faculty. Hell no. It's us the lowly janitors that have to clean this crap up. And the call for the closed shit was the only thing we could do to get their attention."

I Hate Student Elections

Each year, there's no bigger mess to cleanup than the goddamn student elections. This year is no exception.

Let me implore upon to understand how ridiculous this shit is: School doesn't start for a fucking week, and already these douchebag kids are in here with their highfalutin posters and banners. One kid, whose name I won't mention - but it starts with an "W" and ends in a "illiam Jenkins" - is running on the Whig platform. I didn't even know that party still existed. Apparently the kid is pretty stuffy, just liked those damned ol' Whigs, as I've heard rumblings that his nickname is "Old Fuss and Feathers."

I won't go on any longer, I just wanted to get the point across that I will eventually beat, unmercifully, the winning and losing candidate in all elections.

I Beat My Meat on My Summer Retreat

School's almost back in session. I've been preparing by conducting two-a-days, if you know what I mean. Managed to get my hands on a copy of the Boynton Beach Middle School 2005 Yearbook. Took a sneak peek at the incoming freshman chicas. I don't want to get anyone's hopes up too much, but from the looks of it we're gonna be seeing some Choice-Cut, Grade-A, high-quality scootch. And that's just what I know from the glance I got at the ESOL club pictures before the cops took the yearbook away.

Either way, I'm lookin' forward to the start of the new year.

I Can and WILL Wear Sweat Pants

Got a note from the principal this morning telling me I, "cannot, under any circumstances, wear sweat pants to work anymore." He goes on to say that I, "must, without a doubt, wear underwear to work everyday."

It seems that certain members of the faculty have taken note of my bulge. For this I apologize. But what I will not apologize for is the fact that sweat pants sans underwear offers me the comfort and stability I need to perform my duties at the highest level. The added nuisance of boxers or briefs leads to chafing and/or general discomfort.

Even though every now and then I tend to be aroused by the female members of the faculty and/or student body, this does not entitle the principal to revoke my sweatpants privileges. Nowhere in the employee handbook does it say I must wear regular pants and underwear, and until that time I shan continue to dress the way I see fit, and I shan continue to pop wood.

Deep Throat is Mark Felt?

That begs the question: Who does that make the art teacher, Mrs. Jennings? I thought she was Deep Throat.

Just for fun, here's a poem I wrote about Deep Throat many moons ago, when I thought it was Mrs. Jennings. (it doesn't all rhyme.)

While art may be your vocation,
Your fellatio sends me on a vacation,
While you're lecturing about brush strokes,
I long to stroke your bush (with my prong.)

When you're busy molding clay,
I'm anticipating a roll in the hay,
Whilst that clay is in the kiln,
You shan drop your pants and be driln (with thy shanker.)

Good times.

At the Movies... with Janitor Dan

This week's movie review comes from the Adult Section. Ramboner stars Cumchester Stabbone as a Gulf War vetern who goes back to the newly democratic Afghanistan in order to spread the teachings of the Morman church. When he arrives, he is captured by a militant group of Afghani lipstick lesbians, who make him their sex slave and brainwash him into a worshipping a buxom, brunette god.

I enjoyed Ramboner immensely. Stabbone's screen time was minimal once the sex scenes started, which is a huge plus in my book. The Afghani lesbians were all gorgeous and well proportioned in the chest and buttock areas.

The best part of the movie had to do with the fact that as their sex slave, Stabbone was only forced to bring them sex toys and different types of Afghani cuisines, which would then be used by the lesbians for nasty sex stuff. He was fully clothed in all of his scenes, and for that reason I'm giving the movie 4/5 MOPS. (Multiple Orgasms Per Scene)

A Note to the Hot Teachers

Seems like all over the country the past couple years, we've been hearing about young, pretty teachers doing it with their students.

I have one thing to say to that: Save a student; Do a janitor.

Why get yourself in all kinds of trouble with these kids? A high school kid doesn't know his way around a woman like I do. And some prepubescent kid isn't going to be able to offer you four full inches of manhood like I can.

Wanna know the best part about doing me? I'll clean up the mess afterwards.

Cinco De Crapo

The students found their bathrooms in a disaster shape today as the janitors were found behind the gym covered in fecal matter, throw up, dead skin from lepers and cut off warts all abound passed out on Pepe's tequila. Turns out the janitor staff here at Central Boynton High School were raising crap to the delight of the porcelin god in celebration of Cinco De Crapo. There was a busted pinata with vomit spewing out in the bathroom in the gym while broken bottles of Tequila were found in the school cafeteria with a naked lunch lady laced in piss and crap and a bad case of janitor dan's herpes. Jim was off to the side still drunk on aged and fermented piss dancing the Macarena while Paddy McScrubs was throwing up into another pinata with a tequila bottle up his ass. Only Janitor Joe seems to have not suffered permanent damage after the raging party though he was muttering pondering life in what he claimed was Spanish.

I Swear The Festering Wound On My Mouth Isn't Herpes

Seriously, ladies: It's ok to kiss me. You won't catch anything. From what I've heard, herpes comes and goes, right? Well, what I've got has been on there for a while, and it ain't going nowhere.

You all remember that student-teacher Ms. Johnson, right? She didn't get herpes. She died of some sort of beef drape deficiency. I had nothing to do with that.

So, disregard that memo the school nurse sent out. I personally guarantee that you will be safe coming within ten feet of me. On top of that, I'll give you my prescription for Valtrex if you do contract something. That's for my genital herpes, but I assume that it would work on your mouth, too.