Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, For Janitors!

Hiding under the bleachers at a recent school dance, I learned about a pretty fun game. Some of the drama douchebags were trying to connect themselves through school plays and people they'd worked with in the past to a certain A-list Hollywood superstar known for his gut-wrenching performances in Academy Award winning movies, like Footloose.

You know who I'm talking about: Kevin Bacon.

The game goes something like this: Douchebag #1 was in a play at school and they were directed by their drama teacher, who worked with some fuck on a Tire Kingdom commercial in Miami, who was in Tremors with Kevin Bacon.

Pretty cool, huh?

So, I came in on Monday and played the game with some of the other janitors. I'm proud to say that I was the only one of us who successfully linked myself to Mr. Bacon. Here's how I did it:

I worked with Head Custodian Dave Nelson at Galaxy Elementary.

He worked with Cafeteria Lady Lisa Miller at Congress Middle School.

She worked with Janitor Matthew Brock at Shady Pines Elementary.

He worked with Guidance Counselor Bill McNeal at Eastern Palm Beach High School.

And finally, he worked at WNYX Radio with Custodian Kevin Bacon, shortly after he filmed The Air Up There.

Naysium Exposes Scandal at SHIT

Jim Naysium, Central Boynton High School's Athletic Facilities Custodian, is known for his keen sense of saw dust, diarrhea, and a Lassie-like ability for sniffing out trouble. Late this morning, Naysium dropped a huge bomb, proving true the lingering rumors that members of the custodial staff at the School for Hearing Impaired Teachers (SHIT) are, and have been, using performance enhancing drugs on-the-job.

Naysium, during an impromptu news conference in Central Boynton's cookie and ice cream sandwich lunch line, said he had a source inside the SHIT that told him of the wrong doing. "Anyone who has spent any time in the SHIT knows something ain't right," Naysium said. "Those guys are able to clean up diarrhea spills in less than five minutes. My best time is 8 minutes 32 seconds, and I've been in this business a long time."

When asked about his source, Naysium said that he sent an uncover operative into the SHIT to pose as a hearing impaired teacher. "I know a gumshoe, he's sniffed around SHIT before," Naysium said. The source said that he saw two janitors inject each other with a custodial enhancing substance known on the street as Janitrol. A spokesman for the SHIT said they would withhold comment until a through examination of the SHIT is conducted.

Naysium hopes that the recent bust in the SHIT leads to a comprehensive testing program for all janitorial engineers. "It's time for custodians everywhere to rise up and demand a thorough drug testing program so that the shit that goes on at SHIT doesn't cast a dirty cloud over our proud profession."

When asked how he felt about exposing his fellow custodians, Naysium flashed a shit eating grin and said "I got those nuts in the SHIT good."

I'm Not the Bus Driver and I Don't Have Rickets

This goes out to all faculty, students, and parents: The next person who confuses me with the bus driver is going to get a mop stick to the anus.

I'm tired of being compared to that half-wit piece of shit. Anyone can drive a fucking bus and kick kids out when their stop comes, but can he clean up vomit with kitty litter? I highly doubt it.

Ok, maybe we look a little alike, but our uniforms couldn't be any different. He can usually be found in a T & C Surf Designs shirt, while I'm looking completely different - and might I say dashing - in one of my many stylish tops from the Jimmy'Z collection.

His signature health problem? A severe case of rickets. I totally outclass him with my Legionnaire's Disease.

Not to change the subject, but how the hell does he drive a bus with those ricket legs?

Anyway, just a friendly reminder to not confuse me with that queef. If you do, I will crush you.

Janitors Not Represented In Career Center

Why is there no literature on Custodial Services in our Career Center?

The late, great Dr. John Lee Custodian wrote several books on the subject, regarding the illustrious history of the world's second oldest profession, advancements since the turn of the 20th century, and his vision for the future.

None of that shit is there!

Can't we get a fucking pamphlet or something? How about a recruiting poster? Julius J. Caesar, even the Jehovah's Witnesses have a leaflet on the benefits of a career in their field.

Dr. Custodian said it best at a job fair in 2003: "If the message of life fulfilling glory in the Custodial Sciences continues to be suppressed, then brother, I don't know what we're going to do."

Shit, that's prolific.

Principal Didn't Acknowledge Me at Denny's

His title may have the word "pal" in it, but Principal Walsh is no friend of mine.

Last night at Denny's, that bastard came in with his family, looked me dead in the eye, and walked right past me without saying hello. No wave, no nod, no nothing. That bitch couldn't even throw up his eyebrows at me.

When I confronted him in the parking lot he said something about not recognizing me. Seconds later, he was recognizing a Louisville Slugger across his wife's face. I surprised his kids with two Chinese stars - in their chests. And his mother-in-law got a free trip to the Christopher Reeve Quadriplegic Ward, compliments of my size twelve boot delivering a crushing blow to her brainstem.

Then it was just the two of us.

He made a feeble attempt to run for help, but I pulled his legs out from under him with a simple throw of my monkey's fist. He was knocked unconscious when his head hit the pavement.

I called in sick today, just in case he's looking for me. By tomorrow, he'll probably have forgotten the whole thing, but if he does remember, I'll tell him I was just playing.