Passing of a Treasured Friend

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I announce the passing of a dear friend of the Janitor Nation.

Last Saturday night, I reluctantly removed the feeding tube from my favorite work shirt, Calvin Pees on Hobbes. "Pees On", as he was known to those who loved him most, had been in declining health since the turn of the century. He bravely battled color fading, letter wear, and pit stains, but ultimately they became too much to withstand.

Won at the South Florida Fair, he amused faculty and students alike with his portrayal of the loveable cartoon character Calvin urinating on the unsuspecting Hobbes.

Despite the efforts to revive him by his best friend, Marino Jersey, and failed federal and state litigation, "Pees On" was taken off life support and spent his last hours drying my weeping eyes.

As "Pees On" goes gently into that dark night, we welcome a new work shirt into the rotation: Chocolate Stained Old Navy Polo.

Menial Madness - Round 1: (1) Fortune vs. (8) Prince Akeem and Simmi

  VS  

Round 1 of the Sanitation Showdown kicks off with a classic battle between a hard working, no nonsense custodial engineer with a heart of gold vs. two guys who used the profession as a means to an end.

Fortune

Fortune is the tough, no nonsense field maintenance guy played by Charles S. Dutton in the classic coming of age flick Rudy. A number one seed in our tournament, Fortune brings a variety of credentials to the table. As a janitor, his work speaks for itself. Notre Dame's stadium is a meticulously maintained football shrine that has seen some of the greatest college sports moments in history.

As a person, Fortune has a huge chip on his shoulder. Either he was an ex-player that got hurt or someone died, I don't remember which. Whatever it is, he's pissed off something fierce. And it shows. It's not until he meets Rudy that we see his soft side. He hires Rudy to work at the stadium and even lets him sleep there. I was certain that Fortune was going to die before the movie ended, but thank God he lasted until the end, else we wouldn't have been treated to one of the all time great custodial movie moments. When Rudy gets his sack against Georgia Tech at the end, Fortune is shown pumping his fists while walking off into the shadows, never to be seen again. Just a classic moment in janitorial movie history that I often reenact while walking into the shadows of the 8000 building here at Central Boynton High.

Prince Akeem & Simmi

I'm not a big fan of the janitorial tag teams, so I'm kind of glad these guys ended up being a #8 seed. Hailing from my Aunt Patty's hometown of Zimunda, these two traveled to the United States and posed as poor janitors at a fast food restaurant in the film Coming To America. Even though they were both royalty, they still get props for suffering through some classic janitorial high jinx.

When the Soul Glow guy throws his shake at Akeem, I had to be restrained. That kind of shit happens to me in the cafeteria at CBHS at least once a week. Man, I really hate Soul Glow (though it is great for removing scuff marks off of the gym floor).

When Akeem and Simmi beat up the restaurant robber (played by a very young Samuel L. Jackson), I exploded with triumph. In fact, to this day when some of the punks here at school try to steal my equipment, I sneak up behind them and yell "freeze you diseased rhinoceros pizzle!!" You should see their faces.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's time to vote!!! Tell us who you think should move on to the next round of the Sanitation Showdown. Cast your vote using the Janitor Nation polling tool found on the homepage.

Thanks for the Computer Upgrade!

Last semester, Janitor Joe and Paddy convinced the administration to give us an upgrade on the computer we have in our office.

Since our last upgrade in 1994, we've been working on a TI-99, which was a sweet computer in its day but it's getting a little outdated. It's one of the only models around that still makes you play games from a tape recorder. I liked it, but Paddy wanted something new that would allow us to look at porn.

So, the principal finally caved and gave us our new equipment. We got a sweet Commodore 64, complete with a 5 1/4" disc drive! They even gave us some cool games, like Jordan vs. Bird and California Games.

I got a C-64 book at the flea market and after only three hours of entering a program, I got a syntax error. However, I found out what I did wrong, started from scratch, and when I was finished the screen flashed a bunch of colors really fast. It was totally worth the effort.

No word yet on the porn. We may have to wait until our next upgrade when we get that Colecovision the principal mentioned.

Menial Madness Arrives At Janitor Nation

Get out your brackets, your sawdust and your mops! Janitor Nation is pleased to bring you the first ever Janitor Nation Sanitation Showdown! The custodial engineers here at Central Boynton have long argued over who is the greatest clean-up artist of all time. We all have our favorites but we thought we would let you, our loyal readers, decide who is #1!

The rules are simple: sixteen of the greatest janitors in television and movie history compete head-to-head until there is only one man left standing! Every few days here at The Nation, we will introduce a head-to-head battle and provide the tale of the tape for both combatants. Then, you readers can vote to decide who will move on and who will fade into custodial obscurity! The winner will be crowned the undisputed Sage of Sanitation!

A few notes before the games begin:

-- After his weekly bender, we had Patty McScrubs pull the seeds out of a hat, so seedings are arbitrary at best.

-- The term janitor has been loosely applied here. Many are textbook janitors, while some combatants would be better described as guys responsible for fixing things and cleaning shit up.

-- Two of our entrants are janitorial tag teams. They will advance or be eliminated as a team.

Voting begins on our first match-up later this week! You can review all the match-ups in the bracket above (which are jotted down on an authentic Central Boynton High cafeteria napkin!!). Some of our readers have already begun their own Sanitation Showdown office pools! The Madness is here!!! The only place to watch the shit hit the fan is Janitor Nation!!!

Drama Department Rejects My Rocky Dennis Play for 4th Straight Year

Seems to me that playing a kid with a big deformed head would be the role of a lifetime for some of the drama douches, but once again, the school disagrees with me.

I've gone through seventeen rewrites since the school first refused to perform a production of my stage adaptation of the hit movie Mask, starring Eric Stoltz as the kid with the fucked up grill. I headed into the Little Theatre once more for a meeting with the drama teacher and the Drama Club President.

It only took them about five minutes to explain that Mask wasn't a comedy as I was portraying it. Apparently they haven't seen the movie, because that fucking kid's mug is hysterical. And, strangely erotic.

So because I believe so deeply in my work, I'm going back to the drawing board once again and I'll rewrite it to more accurately display Rocky Dennis - as a serial rapist.

Fat Band Girl's Baby Will Resemble Me for a Reason

I guess a Hefty bag cut out in the shape of a condom just isn't a sufficient contraceptive. Shoulda used Gladware.

Three days after her birthday, Lindsay Simpson celebrated turning eighteen by going to the CBBHS Winter Carnival. Our eyes first met at the Elephant Ear booth. We exchanged flirtatious glances across from each other inside the Gravitron. Then we made passionate donkey love while Night Ranger sang "Sister Christian" on the Main Stage.

Her parents said they were going to sue me, sue the school, and sue the county school board, until I told them I was more than willing to be involved with raising the child. When her mom told me I was a child myself, I had this awesome comeback: "Does a child make upwards of $16,000 a year?" That shut her up.

I was a little worried about what the faculty would think when they found out I impregnated a student. Luckily for me, they were pretty cool. Coach Hanson told me he didn't know that a mildly retarded person could even get a girl pregnant. I guess we all learned something.

Central Boynton Beach High School Inks Multi-Year Deal with Fresh Step

Shares of The Clorox Company (CLX - NYSE) soared on Monday at the news of a multi-year contract to be the exclusive provider of kitty litter to Central Boynton Beach High School.

The five-year deal will provide CBBHS with Fresh Step Kitty Litter, which will be used in the cafetorium, classrooms, and just about anywhere on campus where a student or faculty member has vomited.

The deal calls for Fresh Step to be provided at a cost of $7.99 per 14 lb. bag, or $1.50 more than the going rate at most grocery stores. The shrewd deal obviously impressed some on Wall Street, as was indicated by late afternoon trading.

Some analysts weren't quite so thrilled, however. Broker Justin Pitt provided his thoughts: "Anytime you can negotiate a deal that pays you substantially more per unit than you would get in the marketplace, that's a good thing. But don't forget, they were negotiating with (expletive) janitors."

Fresh Step litter products contain encapsulated fresheners with every granule to freshen all disgusting odors, such as vomit, urine, and huge festering clumps of poopie.