Fat Band Girl's Baby Will Resemble Me for a Reason

I guess a Hefty bag cut out in the shape of a condom just isn't a sufficient contraceptive. Shoulda used Gladware.

Three days after her birthday, Lindsay Simpson celebrated turning eighteen by going to the CBBHS Winter Carnival. Our eyes first met at the Elephant Ear booth. We exchanged flirtatious glances across from each other inside the Gravitron. Then we made passionate donkey love while Night Ranger sang "Sister Christian" on the Main Stage.

Her parents said they were going to sue me, sue the school, and sue the county school board, until I told them I was more than willing to be involved with raising the child. When her mom told me I was a child myself, I had this awesome comeback: "Does a child make upwards of $16,000 a year?" That shut her up.

I was a little worried about what the faculty would think when they found out I impregnated a student. Luckily for me, they were pretty cool. Coach Hanson told me he didn't know that a mildly retarded person could even get a girl pregnant. I guess we all learned something.