Janitor Nation

Dean indicted in Anal Leak

2005-11-01T17:35:00.000-05:00

The School Board has indicted the Dean of Student Relations over an apparent Anal Leak that has proved damaging to Jane Pipes. Miss Pipes has been a secret Janitor for years in the school cleaning up immediate vomits and fecal matter in places that are highly sensitive areas such as the cafateria and girls bathroom. Under her cover she was able to enter these areas without mockering and damage

Janitors call closed Shit

2005-11-01T17:27:00.000-05:00

In a shocking rebuttal to the faculty, leader of the Janitors called for a closed shit. Janitor Dan knocked over his mop buckets loudly waving his finger, "We have been calling for a year a half for stage two of the investigation onto where that SMDs (Shit of Mass Destruction) came from. The Faculty has sat back and put up a major fart screen and our fellow Janitors are the casualities in this

I Hate Student Elections

2005-08-16T14:04:00.000-04:00

Each year, there's no bigger mess to cleanup than the goddamn student elections. This year is no exception. Let me implore upon to understand how ridiculous this shit is: School doesn't start for a fucking week, and already these douchebag kids are in here with their highfalutin posters and banners. One kid, whose name I won't mention - but it starts with an "W" and ends in a "illiam Jenkins" -

I Beat My Meat on My Summer Retreat

2005-08-15T01:07:00.000-04:00

School's almost back in session. I've been preparing by conducting two-a-days, if you know what I mean. Managed to get my hands on a copy of the Boynton Beach Middle School 2005 Yearbook. Took a sneak peek at the incoming freshman chicas. I don't want to get anyone's hopes up too much, but from the looks of it we're gonna be seeing some Choice-Cut, Grade-A, high-quality scootch. And that's just

I Can and WILL Wear Sweat Pants

2005-06-09T11:07:00.000-04:00

Got a note from the principal this morning telling me I, "cannot, under any circumstances, wear sweat pants to work anymore." He goes on to say that I, "must, without a doubt, wear underwear to work everyday."It seems that certain members of the faculty have taken note of my bulge. For this I apologize. But what I will not apologize for is the fact that sweat pants sans underwear offers me the

Deep Throat is Mark Felt?

2005-05-31T22:55:00.000-04:00

That begs the question: Who does that make the art teacher, Mrs. Jennings? I thought she was Deep Throat. Just for fun, here's a poem I wrote about Deep Throat many moons ago, when I thought it was Mrs. Jennings. (it doesn't all rhyme.)While art may be your vocation, Your fellatio sends me on a vacation, While you're lecturing about brush strokes, I long to stroke your bush (with my prong.)When

At the Movies... with Janitor Dan

2005-05-27T15:52:00.000-04:00

This week's movie review comes from the Adult Section. Ramboner stars Cumchester Stabbone as a Gulf War vetern who goes back to the newly democratic Afghanistan in order to spread the teachings of the Morman church. When he arrives, he is captured by a militant group of Afghani lipstick lesbians, who make him their sex slave and brainwash him into a worshipping a buxom, brunette god. I enjoyed

A Note to the Hot Teachers

2005-05-09T14:03:00.000-04:00

Seems like all over the country the past couple years, we've been hearing about young, pretty teachers doing it with their students. I have one thing to say to that: Save a student; Do a janitor.Why get yourself in all kinds of trouble with these kids? A high school kid doesn't know his way around a woman like I do. And some prepubescent kid isn't going to be able to offer you four full inches of

Cinco De Crapo

2005-05-05T17:08:00.000-04:00

The students found their bathrooms in a disaster shape today as the janitors were found behind the gym covered in fecal matter, throw up, dead skin from lepers and cut off warts all abound passed out on Pepe's tequila. Turns out the janitor staff here at Central Boynton High School were raising crap to the delight of the porcelin god in celebration of Cinco De Crapo. There was a busted pinata

I Swear The Festering Wound On My Mouth Isn't Herpes

2005-05-05T11:44:00.000-04:00

Seriously, ladies: It's ok to kiss me. You won't catch anything. From what I've heard, herpes comes and goes, right? Well, what I've got has been on there for a while, and it ain't going nowhere. You all remember that student-teacher Ms. Johnson, right? She didn't get herpes. She died of some sort of beef drape deficiency. I had nothing to do with that.So, disregard that memo the school nurse

A Janitor's Sacrifice

2005-04-25T16:52:00.000-04:00

Every nine weeks, I'm unlucky enough - or just plain dumb - to manage to stumble upon some rare disease or illness. I guess that shit just comes with the glory of being a Custodial Engineer. You name it, I've had it. Even worse: You've never heard of it, I've had it. To name a few:Painter's TaintOld German Snatch AttackBlistered NutsackStringbean PenisDick's Covered WagonSpeckled WangerWhispering

Menial Madness - Round 1: (1) Mr. Miyagi vs. (8) James St. James and Carl Taylor

2005-04-13T15:05:00.000-04:00

VS Round 1 of the Sanitation Showdown continues as one of the alltime great sanitation engineers takes on a pretty boy garbage man duo.Mr. Miyagi What is there to say that has not already been said about Mr. Miyagi. A custodial engineer with a black belt!. If we could all be so lucky. When I think about Mr. Miyagi I think about the scene from Karate Kid I where he

Has Anyone Seen This Tooth?

2005-04-08T10:18:00.000-04:00

Missing: One front tooth. Yellowish in color. Cavity on backside. Last felt in my mouth in the hallway between the cafeteria and the Lecture Hall before I bit into a Snickers bar. Slight chance it was swallowed with candy, but inspection of feces yielded no tooth.If found, please return to the Janitor's Break Room. Not to be confused with other tooth that went missing a few months back. That

The Janisexual Movement

2005-03-28T12:48:00.000-05:00

As more men have grasped being a metrosexual and now regularly get manicures and get their hair cut at salons some men will have no part of it. Call it the Janisexual movement but the fine men in the toilets at Central Boynton Beach High School have their own methods. Take showering, men now shower more than ever with the rarest of men showering at least once a day. Paddy McScrubs claims he only

Floating Candy Bar is not Candy

2005-03-24T13:09:00.000-05:00

As the swim team was practicing everyone at CBB High School could hear Junior swim champ Sara Dorsey scream "Doodie". The crowd at the pool then went into hysterics jumping out of the pool and even running when it clearly states on the concrete No Running. This was the least of Paddy McScrubs problems as the Pool area had to be evacuated and the area sanitized. Paddy spent all afternoon

Passing of a Treasured Friend

2005-03-24T10:41:00.000-05:00

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I announce the passing of a dear friend of the Janitor Nation.Last Saturday night, I reluctantly removed the feeding tube from my favorite work shirt, Calvin Pees on Hobbes. "Pees On", as he was known to those who loved him most, had been in declining health since the turn of the century. He bravely battled color fading, letter wear, and pit stains,

Menial Madness - Round 1: (1) Fortune vs. (8) Prince Akeem and Simmi

2005-03-23T20:47:00.000-05:00

VS Round 1 of the Sanitation Showdown kicks off with a classic battle between a hard working, no nonsense custodial engineer with a heart of gold vs. two guys who used the profession as a means to an end. Fortune Fortune is the tough, no nonsense field maintenance guy played by Charles S. Dutton in the classic coming of age flick Rudy. A number one seed in our tournament, Fortune

Principal Nixes Janitor's Bid to Become JV Cheerleading Coach

2005-03-23T19:48:00.000-05:00

In an unprecedented move (if only because no janitor has ever applied for the job of JV Cheerleading coach) Tuesday, Principal Asshole denied an otherwise qualified candidate the opportunity to work closely with nubile adolescent girls. Yours truly submitted a complete, if not slightly embellished, and timely application to be the next JV Cheerleading coach. But did I get an interview? Did I even

Thanks for the Computer Upgrade!

2005-03-22T19:32:00.000-05:00

Last semester, Janitor Joe and Paddy convinced the administration to give us an upgrade on the computer we have in our office.Since our last upgrade in 1994, we've been working on a TI-99, which was a sweet computer in its day but it's getting a little outdated. It's one of the only models around that still makes you play games from a tape recorder. I liked it, but Paddy wanted something new that

Jantor's CD Tops Charts

2005-03-22T09:31:00.000-05:00

Paddy McScrubs is thrilled to hear that his CD has just topped the charts in Billboard's Music By Morons Charts. The CD which features such hits as "It's a crap stained life", "Gin and Piss", and the flash back rock classic "pour some chocolate squirts on me" has become a cult classic and just gone Plastic with its' 50th copy being purchased.

Menial Madness Arrives At Janitor Nation

2005-03-21T14:08:00.000-05:00

Get out your brackets, your sawdust and your mops! Janitor Nation is pleased to bring you the first ever Janitor Nation Sanitation Showdown! The custodial engineers here at Central Boynton have long argued over who is the greatest clean-up artist of all time. We all have our favorites but we thought we would let you, our loyal readers, decide who is #1!The rules are simple: sixteen of the

Drama Department Rejects My Rocky Dennis Play for 4th Straight Year

2005-03-18T07:33:00.000-05:00

Seems to me that playing a kid with a big deformed head would be the role of a lifetime for some of the drama douches, but once again, the school disagrees with me. I've gone through seventeen rewrites since the school first refused to perform a production of my stage adaptation of the hit movie Mask, starring Eric Stoltz as the kid with the fucked up grill. I headed into the Little Theatre once

I'm a hard moppin' mofo

2005-03-16T20:02:00.000-05:00

I can't help it that I mop so hard. When I get to moppin' it's as if I put it on autopilot, I just mop, mop, mop away. One time I mopped so hard that I took the spots off of the terrazzo-floored hallway in the 300 building. Now that is some hard moppin'. So on Monday, Coach Hanson asked me to mop the shit stain off the floor of the boys locker room. It seems as if a certain little faggot

Fat Band Girl's Baby Will Resemble Me for a Reason

2005-03-15T10:46:00.000-05:00

I guess a Hefty bag cut out in the shape of a condom just isn't a sufficient contraceptive. Shoulda used Gladware.Three days after her birthday, Lindsay Simpson celebrated turning eighteen by going to the CBBHS Winter Carnival. Our eyes first met at the Elephant Ear booth. We exchanged flirtatious glances across from each other inside the Gravitron. Then we made passionate donkey love while Night

Record Crap

2005-03-07T09:39:00.000-05:00

In the wake of Sloppy Joe Friday the largest crap ever recorded was found in a bathroom over the weekend. The Crap which measured 3 ft long with a 6 inch diameter was purely a massive flush found Sunday afternoon by Paddy McScrubs. The famed janitor claims the historic dump is perfect for his life long dream to build a Mt Flushmore behind the gym scuplted entirely of old solidified human waste.

Thoughts from under the stall...

2005-03-02T19:32:00.000-05:00

Funny how things work out sometimes. It seems like just yesterday that I was a young pup. Bright-eyed, sure-footed, and ambitiously optimistic about my future career. And then I found myself here. A janitor at a public high school. I couldn't be happier.Not everyone is blessed with the subtle joy that comes along with a job well done. Whether it is the simple act of picking up a gum wrapper off

Central Boynton Beach High School Inks Multi-Year Deal with Fresh Step

2005-03-01T06:31:00.000-05:00

Shares of The Clorox Company (CLX - NYSE) soared on Monday at the news of a multi-year contract to be the exclusive provider of kitty litter to Central Boynton Beach High School.The five-year deal will provide CBBHS with Fresh Step Kitty Litter, which will be used in the cafetorium, classrooms, and just about anywhere on campus where a student or faculty member has vomited.The deal calls for

First Presser since SHIT scandal

2005-02-24T12:23:00.000-05:00

In his first Presser since the SHIT scandal Farry Flushes at times showed anger at the press. "Listen whenever anyone gets to my level people make allegations. I don't care what Jim Naysium says. I was better than him back in 1988 and I'm better than him now."The meeting held at the School for Hearing Impaired Teachers had Mr. Flushes yelling at reporters, "listen this is a joke. It's like a

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, For Janitors!

2005-02-22T07:51:00.000-05:00

Hiding under the bleachers at a recent school dance, I learned about a pretty fun game. Some of the drama douchebags were trying to connect themselves through school plays and people they'd worked with in the past to a certain A-list Hollywood superstar known for his gut-wrenching performances in Academy Award winning movies, like Footloose.You know who I'm talking about: Kevin Bacon. The game

Naysium Exposes Scandal at SHIT

2005-02-11T14:36:00.000-05:00

Jim Naysium, Central Boynton High School's Athletic Facilities Custodian, is known for his keen sense of saw dust, diarrhea, and a Lassie-like ability for sniffing out trouble. Late this morning, Naysium dropped a huge bomb, proving true the lingering rumors that members of the custodial staff at the School for Hearing Impaired Teachers (SHIT) are, and have been, using performance enhancing

Janitor Finds Class Ring in the Crapper

2005-02-11T13:25:00.000-05:00

Paddy McScrubs has been showing off a shiny new ring on what's left of his ring finger. Knowning that there is no chance in hell that he was to get hitched Janitor Nation went in for more facts. JN, "So where did you get this ring Paddy?"Paddy McScrubs, "well as I was a cleaning the crapper in the boys room out by the portables i found this beautiful thing mixed in with the largest crap I've

I'm Not the Bus Driver and I Don't Have Rickets

2005-02-10T20:41:00.000-05:00

This goes out to all faculty, students, and parents: The next person who confuses me with the bus driver is going to get a mop stick to the anus. I'm tired of being compared to that half-wit piece of shit. Anyone can drive a fucking bus and kick kids out when their stop comes, but can he clean up vomit with kitty litter? I highly doubt it. Ok, maybe we look a little alike, but our uniforms

Janitors Not Represented In Career Center

2005-02-03T23:20:00.000-05:00

Why is there no literature on Custodial Services in our Career Center?The late, great Dr. John Lee Custodian wrote several books on the subject, regarding the illustrious history of the world's second oldest profession, advancements since the turn of the 20th century, and his vision for the future. None of that shit is there! Can't we get a fucking pamphlet or something? How about a recruiting

Principal Didn't Acknowledge Me at Denny's

2005-02-02T11:24:00.000-05:00

His title may have the word "pal" in it, but Principal Walsh is no friend of mine. Last night at Denny's, that bastard came in with his family, looked me dead in the eye, and walked right past me without saying hello. No wave, no nod, no nothing. That bitch couldn't even throw up his eyebrows at me. When I confronted him in the parking lot he said something about not recognizing me. Seconds later

Wanted: Aspiring Janitor for Senior Switch Day

2005-01-25T22:48:00.000-05:00

Life is funny.One day, you're the loveable Janitor Dan, friend to the assistant principals, confidant to the students, and insatiable lover to Home Ec teacher Ms. Miller.The next day, you're the lonely, miserable, old coot who can't score a student to learn your profession on Senior Switch Day. Honestly, kids, what the fuck? I used to be cool. I used to crack wise with the seniors, give noogies

Me huevos son mas grande para me pantalones

2005-01-20T19:06:00.000-05:00

Hey mang!! Check this shit. I get some new pantalones from Asistan Prinipa Fuckface. I wore the others ones out last week when we scrubbed that retarded kids mierda offa that pinic table. That kid musta been real bad scared by the short bus. Yo! So I gets some new pantalones and they are... ?Como se dice?... tight in the crotch. So I just cut a hole in them and let me huevos hang out.

Janitor Dan to Co-worker: "Please Take a Bath."

2005-01-19T23:10:00.000-05:00

I realize that this forum was set up as an outlet for the CBBHS Custodial Staff to vent frustrations about the faculty and students. And don't get me wrong, I think of all the other Janitors like family members. That said, please forgive me while I call out Janitor Derek on something that has been bothering me for quite some time. Dude, you smell like pubes. Seriously, I caught a whiff of you a

Guidance Counselor Takes Massive Dump

2005-01-17T21:45:00.000-05:00

It doesn't take a psychic to know that Mrs. Clawson is the bitch that clogged up the faculty bathroom. I'd just cleaned that fucker ten minutes ago when she ran out with shit water on her feet and told me there was a problem. Seems to me the problem is between her taint and her lower back. That little hole in her butt dropped out more shit than I'd seen in five years of cleaning bathrooms at

In Memoriam: Dr. John Lee Custodian

2005-01-13T11:57:00.000-05:00

Initially, he was labeled a maverick. Ultimately, he was a pioneer. Today, Central Boynton Beach High School mourns the loss of the man who invented the profession of Janitor, Dr. John Lee Custodian. The man who gave us such groundbreaking inventions as the Mop Squeegee and the Retractable Belt Key Ring, died peacefully in his sleep Wednesday night. Custodian came to CBBHS in the early 30s.

I GOT FECAL UNDER MY CUTICLES

2005-01-12T18:29:00.000-05:00

Shi... I got dookie all up under my nails. I used my old lady's toothbrush to scrub out some teenie boppers butt dump... i think my old lady's takin' a taster's choice test on the principal's prong... bitch.

Cafeteria Bitch Won't Hook Me Up

2005-01-11T17:55:00.000-05:00

I thought it was called "Professional Courtesy." However, the stupid cafeteria bitch was apparently on a different wavelength because when I asked for another piece of pizza today she wanted to charge me full price. I wanted to compromise and pay nothing. She called over the assistant principal. I stabbed them both and ran. (I also grabbed the slice of pizza.) If you need me, I'll be in the mop

Happy Blogging

2005-01-10T19:58:00.000-05:00

I am so happy to be here. Finally, the voice of the janitor nation can be heard in its entirety, not in bits and pieces like when you are trying to carry on a conversation over a toilet flushing. God I hate that! Also, these kids are are going into the bathrooms after lunch and spitting chocolate milk all over ther mirrors! It really chaps my ass!

CBBHS "Sweeps" Janitor Olympics

2005-01-10T19:48:00.000-05:00

Hello fellow CBBHS Janitors, Faculty, and Students, It's with great pride that I write to inform you of the ass whooping your Central Boynton Beach High School Janitorial Staff put on the District 6A High Schools this past weekend in the 37th Annual Janitor Olympics! The team of Janitors Steve and Erik "mopped up" the competition in the Urinal Cake Change, Janitor Jim took home gold in the

Greetings, punks...

2005-01-10T13:34:00.000-05:00

Finally, the Janitors of Central Boynton Beach High School will have a forum. No longer will those punk shits get to torment us without fear of repercussions! On a lighter note, I was hiding in the girl's bathroom today and saw sophomore hottie Jeanne LaBaptiste squating! Good times....